Thoughts and Prayers

In the small church where I worshiped last Sunday, I listened to the prayer requests being named by the pastor or shared from the congregation. It struck me that nearly everyone in attendance that day was included for one reason or another. Though still viewed as a visitor, accurately I suppose, I can call most of the little group by name. On this day, I sensed that I should pray for them as well.

In the process I recalled reading social media exchanges a few months ago criticizing people for using the praying hands meme or the phrase “thoughts and prayers.” Basically, it is a criticism of people expressing their intent to pray for the situation or hardships of others. A few news stories commented on the cynicism being expressed in reaction to their frequent use. I did not invest much thought into it at the time because these days it seems any public expression of opinion is fair game for someone to critique. Since offering thoughts and prayers is exactly what I was being asked to do, it seemed like a good time to wonder whether that was a useful response to the concerns being shared.

Prayer does have an odd dimension to it. We basically talk to an invisible presence that we understand to be the Creator of all. In the past, talking to someone whom no one else sees could cause people to question your sanity. Today it probably just means they are using earbuds with their cell phone! Conversing with an invisible someone you believe is “out there” is an act of faith (or perhaps desperation!) made believable by prior decisions we have reached about the reality of a Higher Power.

Odd or not, prayer is widely embraced. Prayer practices among groups are interesting and varied.  Some are vocal, animated even, with raised hands and loud voices; others are silent, offered in ways you would barely notice even if you were watching. We offer some prayers ourselves, but other times we seek the help of others, whether that be formal clergy or our closest friends. Sometimes gifts are taken and offered along with the prayer. In some contexts, I have seen fruits of the harvest or even currency left by the altar; sometimes incense is burned, bringing to mind practices of burnt offering from an earlier period. Some prayers are written down and tucked into the cracks of a wall; others are attached to a string and later burned or disposed of. Thoughts and prayers get expressed in many different ways, offered with great sincerity.

Admittedly, I have a few issues of my own with prayer. Not so much with the act of praying as with how it gets utilized. I am happy to pray when someone desires it, but I don’t like being asked to pray on perfunctory occasions where some tradition has made it standard practice prior to the beginning of an activity. An invocation before a public meal is an example. In that case the prayer often amounts to firing the starting pistol that lets the activities commence, which seems far beneath the purposes of prayer. Do hungry people really want to suffer through a lengthy prayer before a meal? Not most of the one’s I know! I don’t like to pray at official perfunctory occasions because the group’s heart usually is not into it. In my opinion, corporate prayer needs to have the entire group leaning in to the moment.

I noticed in the early years of my deanship that I was often pegged at the last moment to offer a prayer before an official meal began. One day in exasperation I asked, “Am I the only person here who can manage to a get a prayer above the ceiling?”

“No, but you have credentials,” they responded.

Without thinking I replied, “Fine, but whenever I pray for these meals, my table goes through the buffet line first!” Surprisingly, that was agreed to. I suppose that was not one of my finer moments, but I confess I enjoyed not having to wait behind a long que at meal time!

There are other traps that can trip us in the acts of prayer. If we are spending too much time praying for ourselves, especially if it is about superficial things, then we have probably slid down the slippery slope of seeing prayer as our direct connection to God to fix our likes and frustrations. Rather than a wish granter I have come to appreciate God as a presence and accompaniment who helps make bearable those hardships that must be endured. We each make our own peace about what we expect from God in those cases.

A lot could be explored in a thorough theology of prayer – more than any would care to read in one blog post! With regard particularly to the matter of offering thoughts and prayers, since that is what launched this post, I have a few thoughts. With thoughts and prayers we have shifted the focus from ourselves to the hardships being experienced by others. That shift is a good one, for we need to be cognizant of others. One of our greatest failures of this era is that our population has become incredibly self-focused.

I gather that part of the cynicism expressed in this matter is that pressing a meme or typing the phrase “thoughts and prayers” can seem flippant, requiring virtually nothing of the person sending the sentiment. While I would agree that concerned citizens and especially people of faith need to engage in actions and activities that challenge wrongdoing and promotes positive change, I disagree with the idea that offering thoughts and prayers is meaningless or without value.

My father died in 1991. That was, without question, one of the most difficult experiences of my life. Of the many things I remember from those few days, one was the long line of people who waited for an opportunity to express their thoughts and prayers to us in our time of grief. This was especially true of those who did not know my father but came because they knew me and wanted to be supportive in a time of loss. Their words did not change the reality of his passing, and by the next day they would be refocused on their own pressing matters, but it was a comfort to know that for this brief moment, they cared about my well-being.

I do not think I have ever actually written “thoughts and prayers” on social media, so it is not that I feel like I have had my hand smacked in this controversy. It is more a matter of tiring to hear every last decent thing people try to do criticized because it does not fit with someone else’s world view. Lord knows, we need better gun laws, fairer wages, an end to racism, plus a much longer list of serious issues that will indeed require many of us to put forth a gallant effort to leverage change. But I do not need to criticize someone’s religious sensibilities in order to do that. It seems to me that this is the same kind of intolerance that is contributing to the fragmentation of society displayed in the news on a daily basis.

You may count me among those who believe in the importance of praying for others. It has value in the moment, and even if it does not change anyone but me, it is worth doing, though for a whole different set of reasons.

So, I will think of you and pray for you if you want. All you have to do is ask. And for that matter, I would be thrilled if you decided to pray for me.